Matta has Mentoring Moment with Virginia Satir

This twenty minute exchange with one of the masters of family therapy continues to impact me over 20 years later. The following is a transcript of that exchange. My mother had passed away six months prior to this training with Virginia Satir and I was trying to decide on whether I was capable of going on for a doctorate. I did not expect to delve into trust issues with my father. As you can see the work becomes very personal. Virginia’s magic is in how she weaves universal human struggles into the framework of the discussion. She used everyday language, although she could be poetic, to accomplish this. That was part of her magic. In this way, everyone in the training or the therapy room is impacted.

March 3, 1986 (Gabriola Island, British Columbia)

Following the first day, Virginia Satir begins many of the following training days with a “temperature reading” to check on the pulse of the group and identify various issues that may be going on with group members.

Tom: The puzzle is a tough one for me. I think it reflects some other things but there is a part of me that is afraid of you and your knowledge, of how knowledgeable you are.

Virginia: Let me do something….Can you sit down there? Sit, really sit down. (Virginia motions for a small stool and motions for Tom to sit on it. Tom sits on the stool facing Virginia and she looks directly at Tom and gently takes his face in her hands) Now look at my face. Is that what it feels like? Now at this moment in time, who else am I, Tom?….For you, who else am I?

Tom: My dad (Tom is tearing up and Virginia takes his hand and helps him to his feet)

Virginia: Now, I think that there was another piece to this. You wanted him to be up there and so many times he was down. Are you worried that maybe that all the things I am teaching you will turn out not to be good or I’ll turn out to be a fake or a fraud or something like that.

Tom: I don’t know. I’m not sure

Virginia: What happens to you when I say that to you?

Tom: A part of me says that I know that that is not the case. I do feel safe and secure on some levels. There is a part of me that has been awestruck with some of the things I have been learning.

Virginia: What are you feeling right now?

Tom: There is a part of me that is feeling better, more confident and not as, not as frightened by your knowledge. But you are right. I did want him to be up there.

Virginia: And He fell down so often. Now let me ask you something, have you fallen down in your own estimation, sometimes? Is there something at this moment, that you remember, particularly, where you felt you fell down?

Tom: As an adult or child?

Virginia: Whatever comes to you.

Tom: I remember having a dog, that I did not take good care of that died.

Virginia: What about you and your children at this moment? Do you feel in any way you are falling down with them, Tom?

Tom: When I get angry, I become very angry and I know I am frightening to my kids in that sense. I don’t abuse them, but I know that that rage, there is a rage that is triggered from time to time. And it, I find it frightening.

Virginia: Ok, now, your children being 4 and 2?

Tom: 5 and 2.

Virginia: They must come up to here on you.

Tom: Right.

Virginia: Let me see, a boy and a girl? (Virginia begins a family sculpture that represents my children attached to me.)

Tom: A boy and a girl.

Virginia: Which is the youngest?

Tom: Tommy is the youngest.

Virginia: All right, Tommy, would you come here, please? You’re about this size, right here. You’re right about that size. Now the little girl?

Tom: Natalie.

Virginia: Natalie?….Who shall we have for Natalie? Not real Natalie that conflicts, I don’t like to do that to people.

Tom: Oh, you want me to pick?

Virginia: Why don’t you do that. I picked one, you pick the other.

Tom: Susan

Virginia: Ok. All right now, I think you are a little bit taller. You probably would come up to about here. That’s about right. Now you (woman as little girl) take a hold of your daddy on his belt. And you (man as little boy) take him on his knee.

Virginia: Is your wife shorter than you are?

Tom: Yes, she’s about 5/7.”

Virginia: About 5’7.” Ok. All right. Now, these two little kids can remind you of where you once were with a daddy. What I am sensitive to at this moment in time, is that you were aware of about how you could demolish these children. And that your father often behaved in a demolishing way. And when that happened, it was both frightening. But you learned something from that. How did you learn to effect or to cope with your father’s demolishing actions when you were a little boy?

Tom: I did what he said or I’d get the hell out of the house and stay away.

Virginia: Now what I want you to know is that you have successfully kept your life from your father’s demolishing things. However, while it was successful keeping you here, there is still a lot of pain connected with that. Now, being angry is a human emotion. For you, it is tied up with being out of control. And maybe sometimes you worry about that. What I would like you to do now, is to see yourself when you feel angry, lets say toward this little one, is that you find someplace, where you can, first of all you allow yourselves to breathe, so that your hands feel allright. Then you find a place where you can put him at eye level. He’s got to stand on his own feet, look at him and put your arms out to him and tell him. by that time you won’t be angry any more. And tell him what made you angry. It may even come after you’ve had across word with him. Or that you have been out of or maybe you’ve been irrational. So you have a chance to help him to know. You can make contact with him. And when he gets angry, then you will teach him how he can do the same thing. This anger that you have and that kids have and everybody has from time to time contains the wish to let the self have more security in some way. But it comes out in such a way so that it is fearful. When it is accompanied by guns or power like a grownup to a child, it is frightening and dangerous. So you have a chance, not to have to put your anger down, but to begin to just be aware of it and help your children when you are able to just share with them. They will understand and when they get angry then you can do the same with them and help them to tell you what’s going on so you don’t push it down but you help them to be able to deal with it. Now, can you see yourself doing that?

Tom: Yes I can.

Virginia: Why don’t you pick up your little one here and let’s see what happens. Maybe at this moment in time he has been nagging someone and you’ve got yourself centered. And now you just reach down and pick him up and tell him what you are angry about.

Tom: Bob I’m angry with you….Bob… (laughs)

Virginia: That’s not your, that’s not his name.

Tom: Let me think.

Virginia: If you are not angry now you have to say ‘I have been,” because if you are not angry now…

Tom: I’m not angry now. Ok. I’ve been angry with you with the way you’ve been nagging me. You’re not letting me get some things done around here that need to be done.

Virginia: Ok, now tell him what you would like him to do

Tom: I’d like you to go into the den and you know the puzzles you really enjoy doing I’d like you to get those out and put those together while I finish cleaning up the kitchen.

Virginia: Now, this child is 2. Ok, now, one of the things you need to know about 2 year olds. Their attention span is short.

Tom: So, it needs to be short and to the point.

Virginia: Not only that, but…

Tom: Bob doesn’t look like 2.

Virginia: I know he doesn’t look like 2. And neither do 2 year olds a lot of times. They look like, I hear people say that 2 year olds are bigger than I am. What you are doing right now, connecting with him and telling him that you are busy at this moment and that there’s puzzles there for him. This is what will help him to feel ok. Cause, something at some point in time, Children have to be, want to go and be validated. So they, you watch, if you go to a park or something there are parents there. The kids run off, they’ll play a little bit and come back they want to get validated. Just to touch a parent. Or when somebody at home, the kids come back to do that. And so all the parent has to do is eye level them and connect with them and maybe hug them a little bit and then say well they can do that and you’re busy at this moment, whatever that is. And then at a certain point in time you allow some time to just. Well a one minute with the child that’s fully present between you and the child is already a great big gift and the child feels ok about it. In fact, thirty seconds might even do it. So that these are the things you have in mind. So you are accomplishing a couple of things. You’re putting yourself in a position where you now can share and you are also aware of what makes him feel secure. So, you can also share with him whatever it is in terms of your feeling and also that needs to be repeated when he gets angry because every once in awhile those two are going to fight, Hey that’s kind of what it is. It is important for you to just receive that information because that’s the way they learn. They don’t learn from “Don’t push your sister.” Or don’t you do that to your brother. Have you noticed that didn’t do much?

Tom: That’s right.

Virginia: All right, how are you feeling right now?

Tom: Really enlightened and very warm inside.

Virginia: Good. Now let’s look at your daughter. See and again with children you don’t wait until they need validation. When you go by them, you can just touch them somewhere and tell them how wonderful they are and what you just noticed that was so marvelous. In other words to give to them validation not only when they do things wrong, but just for their being. And your hands and your voice will be the most telling part of that.

Tom: Natalie, I’ve been angry with you, with the whining and the crying you’ve been doing lately. I know I haven’t been able to attend to you. Uhh… I’m trying to think in 5 year old terms. I haven’t been able to play with you today, but I’ve got this kitchen to get cleaned up. And uh, what I’d like to do is get that done first.

Virginia: At five she might even be able to help you. Can you figure out some way she could help you?

Tom: I sure could!!….How about if you come in with me and I’ll let you put the forks and spoons in the drawer?

Virginia: See there’s a creative part, also.. There’s a creative part that goes with recognizing that children, children love to be a part of what’s going on. And when they can do something it is a marvelous thing. So the parent can be more creative about involving the child in that regard. Remember something, the energy is just almost 100% moving with children. It just needs direction. And the direction is not only in what you do, but in just being connected and being around. If you see some of the tapes that I’ve done, you see the children around and they’re doing wonderful things and they’re around. They’re little kids. But the atmosphere is one in which it is a connected atmosphere. So, you’ll find that. How are you feeling inside yourself right now?

Tom: Warm, kind of a pleasant tearful.

Virginia: And how do you feel with me?

TomVery good (embrace)

A Father’s Protection

Whenever Dad would start on one of his tirades, we would try to find closets and hide under the beds. We would either be under the bed alone, or there might be two or three of us children. And Dad had these humongous hands with stovepipes for fingers and big forearms. So, when we scampered under the bed, we held hands and prayed. Sometimes we’d be under different beds praying, asking God to make it stop. And then while we’re under the bed and Dad’s in the room, and we start look at each wondering who he was going to get this time cause he always got somebody. Dad would do this thing where his arm and his hand would be reaching trying to grab onto someone. This huge hairy hand and forearm would grab at the air like a bad horror movie. He’d find somebody’s arm or leg and slowly drag that child out while we children were screaming. It was just as terrifying watching your brother or sister being dragged from under the safety of the bed, as it was to be the person to receive the beating. What’s really fascinating is that when we’re praying under the bed, I do remember this kind of calm presence. I do attribute it to the presence of God. It was not ego-syntonic. It was something outside of myself. I don’t think I was disassociating. But it was like this calmness, and his hand would come under the bed, and you’re like “Oh my gosh, God, please…”

I contrast those experiences from what I wanted from my Dad. Mom could con him sometimes, to take one of the kids to go pick up his paycheck when he was driving the big rig. I couldn’t have been more than seven years old at the time. It must have been August because it was hot and humid. The reason I remember was my dad commented on the heat when he was driving and sweat was beading on his forehead and up and down his arms. We rode in the 18-wheeler cab section and bobtailed from Mount Pleasant to Greensburg on Route 30. There was a bridge there and I think it is still there. And a Sinclair Gas Station just down in the hollow as you got off the exit by the bridge. I still remember this gas station because it had the green brontosaurus for its logo on the sign. As we head into this Sinclair Gas Station dad pulls the rig to the pumps for diesel fuel. The gas station has two mechanic bays and a separate area for the customers to walk in and pay for their gas. Dad gives me a nickel and motions to the soda machine for a bottle of pop. This was a real treat, because first of all we didn’t get out often being on the farm and the idea of a bottle of pop was like heaven. I begin to walk toward the pop machine while dad gases up the truck. As I’m getting my pop, I notice two rather large German Shepherds. And one of them is chained, the other one isn’t. And as a farm kid, the only experience I’ve had with dogs is our beagle, Bootsie. She was just as friendly as could be. I didn’t really think of dogs being a threat or dangerous. These were big dogs and I get my pop and walk over, and start to pet one of them. Just then there’s a semi-truck coming into the station. I heard this rumbling sound, and I just assumed it was the truck. And when I went to turn back around, the dog springs towards me. I think I mistook the dog’s growl for a semi coming into one of the diesel bays to refuel. As I reflect on it now, no one told me that you don’t pet dogs in that kind of weather. In that one leap, the dog knocks me to the ground. I can still see that pop flying out of my hand, kind of in slow motion. As a child we didn’t get pop very often except at Christmas. Funny the things you think about in the midst of a crisis. And the dog is trying to scratch at my eyes and go for my throat. As this is happening, I am trying to protect my face with my hands and arms, opening and closing my eyes to see where the German Shepherd is trying to bite me. At a moment when my eyes were open I can see the shape of a large hand moving just above the neck of the dog. I know that hand. That’s my dad’s hand, the same hand that came after us when we were hiding under the bed! I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in all my life. My dad’s hand grabs onto the scruff of the German Shepherd’s neck and he picks the dog up like a rag doll with one hand. He starts to shake it, still with one hand. And through my scratched face, dog saliva and sweat and tears I can see the dog is concerned for its own welfare. The dog starts yelping and my dad throws it off to the side. The gas station owner comes out asking my dad, “What are you doing to my dog?” And if there was ever a time I wanted my dad to swear at someone it was this clueless man. My Dad says, “What the hell do you mean, what am I doing to your dog? Look what your dog did to my son!” I’m layin’ there, all scratched and bleeding. I managed to protect my throat, but had my dad not intervened, I don’t think I would have been able to prevent much more serious injury. But when I think of my Dad, it is one of the best memories I have. He showed me he was capable of taking the power of who he was as a man, and use it for what I think it was intended. I don’t have a whole lot of recollections like that, but in that one experience I realized that male strength could bring health and life through protection and not just death and destruction.