This twenty minute exchange with one of the masters of family therapy continues to impact me over 20 years later. The following is a transcript of that exchange. My mother had passed away six months prior to this training with Virginia Satir and I was trying to decide on whether I was capable of going on for a doctorate. I did not expect to delve into trust issues with my father. As you can see the work becomes very personal. Virginia’s magic is in how she weaves universal human struggles into the framework of the discussion. She used everyday language, although she could be poetic, to accomplish this. That was part of her magic. In this way, everyone in the training or the therapy room is impacted.
March 3, 1986 (Gabriola Island, British Columbia)
Following the first day, Virginia Satir begins many of the following training days with a “temperature reading” to check on the pulse of the group and identify various issues that may be going on with group members.
Tom: The puzzle is a tough one for me. I think it reflects some other things but there is a part of me that is afraid of you and your knowledge, of how knowledgeable you are.
Virginia: Let me do something….Can you sit down there? Sit, really sit down. (Virginia motions for a small stool and motions for Tom to sit on it. Tom sits on the stool facing Virginia and she looks directly at Tom and gently takes his face in her hands) Now look at my face. Is that what it feels like? Now at this moment in time, who else am I, Tom?….For you, who else am I?
Tom: My dad (Tom is tearing up and Virginia takes his hand and helps him to his feet)
Virginia: Now, I think that there was another piece to this. You wanted him to be up there and so many times he was down. Are you worried that maybe that all the things I am teaching you will turn out not to be good or I’ll turn out to be a fake or a fraud or something like that.
Tom: I don’t know. I’m not sure
Virginia: What happens to you when I say that to you?
Tom: A part of me says that I know that that is not the case. I do feel safe and secure on some levels. There is a part of me that has been awestruck with some of the things I have been learning.
Virginia: What are you feeling right now?
Tom: There is a part of me that is feeling better, more confident and not as, not as frightened by your knowledge. But you are right. I did want him to be up there.
Virginia: And He fell down so often. Now let me ask you something, have you fallen down in your own estimation, sometimes? Is there something at this moment, that you remember, particularly, where you felt you fell down?
Tom: As an adult or child?
Virginia: Whatever comes to you.
Tom: I remember having a dog, that I did not take good care of that died.
Virginia: What about you and your children at this moment? Do you feel in any way you are falling down with them, Tom?
Tom: When I get angry, I become very angry and I know I am frightening to my kids in that sense. I don’t abuse them, but I know that that rage, there is a rage that is triggered from time to time. And it, I find it frightening.
Virginia: Ok, now, your children being 4 and 2?
Tom: 5 and 2.
Virginia: They must come up to here on you.
Tom: Right.
Virginia: Let me see, a boy and a girl? (Virginia begins a family sculpture that represents my children attached to me.)
Tom: A boy and a girl.
Virginia: Which is the youngest?
Tom: Tommy is the youngest.
Virginia: All right, Tommy, would you come here, please? You’re about this size, right here. You’re right about that size. Now the little girl?
Tom: Natalie.
Virginia: Natalie?….Who shall we have for Natalie? Not real Natalie that conflicts, I don’t like to do that to people.
Tom: Oh, you want me to pick?
Virginia: Why don’t you do that. I picked one, you pick the other.
Tom: Susan
Virginia: Ok. All right now, I think you are a little bit taller. You probably would come up to about here. That’s about right. Now you (woman as little girl) take a hold of your daddy on his belt. And you (man as little boy) take him on his knee.
Virginia: Is your wife shorter than you are?
Tom: Yes, she’s about 5/7.”
Virginia: About 5’7.” Ok. All right. Now, these two little kids can remind you of where you once were with a daddy. What I am sensitive to at this moment in time, is that you were aware of about how you could demolish these children. And that your father often behaved in a demolishing way. And when that happened, it was both frightening. But you learned something from that. How did you learn to effect or to cope with your father’s demolishing actions when you were a little boy?
Tom: I did what he said or I’d get the hell out of the house and stay away.
Virginia: Now what I want you to know is that you have successfully kept your life from your father’s demolishing things. However, while it was successful keeping you here, there is still a lot of pain connected with that. Now, being angry is a human emotion. For you, it is tied up with being out of control. And maybe sometimes you worry about that. What I would like you to do now, is to see yourself when you feel angry, lets say toward this little one, is that you find someplace, where you can, first of all you allow yourselves to breathe, so that your hands feel allright. Then you find a place where you can put him at eye level. He’s got to stand on his own feet, look at him and put your arms out to him and tell him. by that time you won’t be angry any more. And tell him what made you angry. It may even come after you’ve had across word with him. Or that you have been out of or maybe you’ve been irrational. So you have a chance to help him to know. You can make contact with him. And when he gets angry, then you will teach him how he can do the same thing. This anger that you have and that kids have and everybody has from time to time contains the wish to let the self have more security in some way. But it comes out in such a way so that it is fearful. When it is accompanied by guns or power like a grownup to a child, it is frightening and dangerous. So you have a chance, not to have to put your anger down, but to begin to just be aware of it and help your children when you are able to just share with them. They will understand and when they get angry then you can do the same with them and help them to tell you what’s going on so you don’t push it down but you help them to be able to deal with it. Now, can you see yourself doing that?
Tom: Yes I can.
Virginia: Why don’t you pick up your little one here and let’s see what happens. Maybe at this moment in time he has been nagging someone and you’ve got yourself centered. And now you just reach down and pick him up and tell him what you are angry about.
Tom: Bob I’m angry with you….Bob… (laughs)
Virginia: That’s not your, that’s not his name.
Tom: Let me think.
Virginia: If you are not angry now you have to say ‘I have been,” because if you are not angry now…
Tom: I’m not angry now. Ok. I’ve been angry with you with the way you’ve been nagging me. You’re not letting me get some things done around here that need to be done.
Virginia: Ok, now tell him what you would like him to do
Tom: I’d like you to go into the den and you know the puzzles you really enjoy doing I’d like you to get those out and put those together while I finish cleaning up the kitchen.
Virginia: Now, this child is 2. Ok, now, one of the things you need to know about 2 year olds. Their attention span is short.
Tom: So, it needs to be short and to the point.
Virginia: Not only that, but…
Tom: Bob doesn’t look like 2.
Virginia: I know he doesn’t look like 2. And neither do 2 year olds a lot of times. They look like, I hear people say that 2 year olds are bigger than I am. What you are doing right now, connecting with him and telling him that you are busy at this moment and that there’s puzzles there for him. This is what will help him to feel ok. Cause, something at some point in time, Children have to be, want to go and be validated. So they, you watch, if you go to a park or something there are parents there. The kids run off, they’ll play a little bit and come back they want to get validated. Just to touch a parent. Or when somebody at home, the kids come back to do that. And so all the parent has to do is eye level them and connect with them and maybe hug them a little bit and then say well they can do that and you’re busy at this moment, whatever that is. And then at a certain point in time you allow some time to just. Well a one minute with the child that’s fully present between you and the child is already a great big gift and the child feels ok about it. In fact, thirty seconds might even do it. So that these are the things you have in mind. So you are accomplishing a couple of things. You’re putting yourself in a position where you now can share and you are also aware of what makes him feel secure. So, you can also share with him whatever it is in terms of your feeling and also that needs to be repeated when he gets angry because every once in awhile those two are going to fight, Hey that’s kind of what it is. It is important for you to just receive that information because that’s the way they learn. They don’t learn from “Don’t push your sister.” Or don’t you do that to your brother. Have you noticed that didn’t do much?
Tom: That’s right.
Virginia: All right, how are you feeling right now?
Tom: Really enlightened and very warm inside.
Virginia: Good. Now let’s look at your daughter. See and again with children you don’t wait until they need validation. When you go by them, you can just touch them somewhere and tell them how wonderful they are and what you just noticed that was so marvelous. In other words to give to them validation not only when they do things wrong, but just for their being. And your hands and your voice will be the most telling part of that.
Tom: Natalie, I’ve been angry with you, with the whining and the crying you’ve been doing lately. I know I haven’t been able to attend to you. Uhh… I’m trying to think in 5 year old terms. I haven’t been able to play with you today, but I’ve got this kitchen to get cleaned up. And uh, what I’d like to do is get that done first.
Virginia: At five she might even be able to help you. Can you figure out some way she could help you?
Tom: I sure could!!….How about if you come in with me and I’ll let you put the forks and spoons in the drawer?
Virginia: See there’s a creative part, also.. There’s a creative part that goes with recognizing that children, children love to be a part of what’s going on. And when they can do something it is a marvelous thing. So the parent can be more creative about involving the child in that regard. Remember something, the energy is just almost 100% moving with children. It just needs direction. And the direction is not only in what you do, but in just being connected and being around. If you see some of the tapes that I’ve done, you see the children around and they’re doing wonderful things and they’re around. They’re little kids. But the atmosphere is one in which it is a connected atmosphere. So, you’ll find that. How are you feeling inside yourself right now?
Tom: Warm, kind of a pleasant tearful.
Virginia: And how do you feel with me?
TomVery good (embrace)
The Heart of the Matta 